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Candid reflections on cancer, family, his role on “Jeopardy!” and finding peace.

By Richard Harris. Provided by Next Avenue.

 

Credit: Jeopardy! Productions Alex Trebek:  The Answer is… Reflections on My Life is not your typical autobiography or standard memoir. Rather, it’s what the 79-year-old Jeopardy! host calls “a series of quick look-ins, revelations.” Trebek has been a public figure for most of his professional life. But since he moved to Southern California from Canada in 1973, he has not lived the “see and be seen” Hollywood celebrity life. Late last year, Trebek openly questioned whether he should have disclosed that he was diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer in March 2019. “There are moments when I regret going public with it, because there’s a little too much of Alex out there right now. It does place a responsibility on me that I feel I’m not deserving of,” he said. Trebek last recorded fresh episodes of Jeopardy! in March when the pandemic shut down production. Still in treatment for advanced pancreatic cancer, he managed to record show opens a few weeks ago at his home for some special Jeopardy! broadcasts airing this month and next. But because of the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, there’s no telling when tapings for the 37th season of Jeopardy! will begin. The New York Times reported that if the current course of his cancer treatment fails, Trebek plans to stop treatment. “There comes a time when you have to make a decision as to whether you want to continue with such a low quality of life, or whether you want to just ease yourself into the next level. It doesn’t bother me in the least,” he said. The following are excerpts from Trebek’s new book: On Why He’s Never Written an Autobiography or Memoir Until Now My life was not particularly exciting. I’m the typical product of my generation: a hardworking breadwinner who looks after his family; does all the repairs he can around the house; enjoys watching television and thinks a simple dinner of fried chicken, broccoli and rice is just fine, thank you very much. I’ve shown up to work at the same job for thirty-six years and have lived in the same house for thirty years. I respect and like my colleagues, and have a family that I dearly love. I have never seen myself as anything special. That’s why if you listen to Johnny Gilbert’s announcement at the opening of Jeopardy!, I’m introduced as “the host” rather than “the star.” I insisted on that when I took the job back in 1984. But then early in 2019, all of that changed when I was diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer. On Toughness Following His Pancreatic Cancer Diagnosis I have become in many ways the de facto spokesperson for pancreatic cancer; there are a lot of expectations. I feel a lot of pressure to always be tough — to be stoic and show a stiff upper lip. But I’m a goddamn wuss. I start to cry for no reason at all. I have no idea what sets it off, and it embarrasses me. The thought that I don’t measure up compared to people’s expectations is difficult. Not long ago, when I was going through a significant bout of depression, I called my doctor and expressed my concern about not being strong enough. “No, no, no,” he said, trying to reassure me. “You’re a great survivor. You’ve helped a lot of people. You don’t know how many people whose lives you have saved just by being out there, speaking out about the disease, what it does to you and how to maintain a more positive attitude.” “I don’t think the will to survive is a constant. I think there are moments — and there are certainly moments in my life — when that will to survive disappears and I’m ready to pack it in.” Interestingly, the longer I’ve lived with the cancer, the more my definition of  toughness has changed. I used to think not crying meant you were tough. Now I think crying means you’re tough. It means you’re strong enough to be honest and vulnerable. It means you’re not pretending. And not pretending, being willing to let your guard down and show people how you truly feel and admit that you’re a wuss, is one of the toughest things a person can do. It’s also one of the most helpful things a person can do. It demonstrates an interest in developing an understanding. It demonstrates a caring. Because you have to figure there are some people out there who are going through the same stuff. On the Will to Survive I don’t think the will to survive is a constant. I think there are moments — and there are certainly moments in my life — when that will to survive disappears and I’m ready to pack it in. Because understand that death is part of life. And I’ve lived a long life. If I were in my twenties with years ahead of me, I might feel differently. But when you’re about to turn eighty, it’s not like you’re missing out on a great many things. I don’t have much stamina anymore. It’s not even a question of physical activity that tires me out. Just being awake is enough to exhaust me. Some days are better than others. I had a couple of good days, then yesterday didn’t go so well. Today is fair. Just pain and fatigue and, well, different kinds of agony. Each day brings a new set of challenges. I don’t like to use the terms “battling” or “fighting” when talking about cancer. It suggests that there are only two outcomes: “winning” and “losing.” That’s nonsense. I understand why we human beings choose to see cancer in these terms. It’s easier to comprehend and less scary if we see the experience as a boxing match and the disease as an opponent who might be subdued by sheer force of will and determination. However, cancer doesn’t get demoralized. It doesn’t require a pep talk from its trainer between rounds. It is a fight, that’s true. There are days when I feel like Mike Tyson just dropped to the canvas by a Buster Douglas uppercut. But it is by no means a fair fight. Not even close. It is simple biology. You get treatment and you get better. Or you don’t. And neither outcome is an indication of your strength as a person. Yet I still believe in the will to live. I believe in positivity. I believe in optimism. I believe in hope, and I certainly believe in the power of prayer. On Retirement For years, studio audiences have asked me, “Have you ever thought about retiring?” And I’ll respond, “Yes, I’ve thought about it. Why? Do you know something I don’t?” Or they’ll ask, “How do you motivate yourself to do the same job year after year?” And I’ll respond, “They pay me very well.” One of the elements of my personality has always been — and I’m keenly aware of this — that if something was that important to me, that much of a driving force, then I would do something about it. The fact that I have not done something about changing my job is an indication that maybe I’m pretty satisfied, pretty content with where I am. It’s not hard to be content with being the thirty-six-year host of Jeopardy! You get a lot of respect. And, as I’ve discovered since the diagnosis revelation, you get a lot of love. There really is no downside to it. It’s not like I trudge to work every week and say, “Oh gosh, I’ve gotta do Jeopardy! again.” It invigorates me. “It’s not hard to be content with being the thirty-six-year host of ‘Jeopardy!’” No matter how I feel before the show, when I get out there it’s all forgotten because there’s a show to be done. Yet I know there will come a time when I won’t be able to answer that bell. I know there will come a time when I can no longer do my job as host — do it as well as the job demands, as well as I demand. Part of it is physical. Standing on your feet for eleven hours two days in  a row  is difficult for someone who’s  about to turn eighty, even without getting worn down by chemotherapy. My eyesight has also deteriorated over the years. It’s not as easy for me to read the clues. The chemo has caused sores inside my mouth that make it difficult for me to enunciate. One treatment also turned my skin dark brown, and the chemo, of course, caused my hair to fall out. But part of it is mental too. I’m the first to admit I’m not as sharp as I once was. I have more and more brain skips. What I call “senior moments.” And in this job, concentration is imperative. You can have those slip ups in casual conversation with friends. But you can’t get away with that as the host of Jeopardy! Whenever it gets to that point, I’ll walk away. And Jeopardy! will be just fine. There are other hosts out there who can do equally as good a job as me. I think Jeopardy! can go on forever. On Getting Your Affairs in Order — and Death I keep reading about people who have different kinds of cancer, and they see their doctor and say, “Well, what’s the prognosis?” And the doctor says, “I think you better get your affairs in order.” My doctor has not said that to me. He has told me he is there for me, no matter what my decision is. There are different decisions, of course. I could decide to begin a new chemotherapy protocol. I could decide to try a new immunotherapy. Or I could decide to go to hospice. The other day, I talked to my doctor for the very first time about this last option. He explained that hospice is basically there to make you comfortable on your way to the end. They’re not there to administer health care, but palliative care. But when death happens, it happens. Why should I be afraid of it? Now, if it involves physical suffering, I might be afraid of that. But, according to my doctor, that’s what hospice is for. They want to make it as easy as it can possibly be for you to transition into whatever future you happen to believe in. Am I a believer? Well, I believe we are all part of the Great Soul — what some call God. We are God, and God is us. Lately, I’ve been thinking more and more about that old  line they used to use in the military:  “No one’s an atheist in a foxhole.” If ever there was an opportunity to believe in God — a god — this might be a good one, Trebek, now that you’re on the verge. What have you got to lose? On Life My life has been a quest for knowledge and understanding, and I’m nowhere near having achieved that. And it doesn’t bother me in the least. I will die without having come  up with the  answer to many things in life. I’m often asked how I would like to be remembered. I don’t think about it much. “Yep, I’ll be perfectly content if that’s how my story ends: sitting on the swing with the woman I love, my soul mate, and our two wonderful children nearby.” But I suppose if I had to answer I would say I’d like to be remembered first of all as a good and loving husband and father, and also as a decent man who did his best to help people perform at their best. Because that was my job. That is what a host is supposed to do. You are there to make the contestants relax enough that they can demonstrate their skills. They are the stars of the show. They are the ones the viewers tuned in to see. And if you do that,  if you put the focus on the players rather than on yourself,  the viewers will look on you as a  good guy.  If that’s the way I’m remembered, I’m perfectly happy with that. With the coronavirus, [our family] can’t go out to eat, we can’t go out to public places, even the park next door has limited its use. Here I am wanting to enjoy what might be the last of my days, and, what, I’m supposed to just stay at home and sit in a chair and stare into space? Actually, that doesn’t sound too bad. Credit: Andrew Eccles   Except instead of a chair, I’ll sit on the swing out in the yard. That’s my favorite spot on the whole property. I used to do it with Mom. Just sit there and rock. No need to talk. It’s just very peaceful. I suppose the feeling I have sitting on that porch swing is similar to what people feel when they meditate, though I would never call it meditating. I just consider it goofing off, not doing anything. Yep, I’ll be perfectly content if that’s how my story ends: sitting on the swing with the woman I love, my soul mate, and our two wonderful children nearby. I’ll sit there for a while and then maybe the four of us will go for a walk,  each day trying to walk a little farther than the last.  We’ll take things one step at a time, one day at a time. In fact, I think I’ll go sit in the swing for a bit right now. The weather is beautiful — the sun is shining into a mild, mild looking sky, and there’s not a cloud in sight.

 

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A variety of techniques can help calm the mind for better sleep

By Patricia Corrigan, Next Avenue Contributing Writer, March 2020

Sleep is always important for good health, and that’s especially true in this challenging time. When you rest well, you’re better equipped to face the day. But right now, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, heightened anxiety and unstructured time may cause insomnia even in those accustomed to a full night’s sleep.

That’s not good, for more than the obvious reason.

“It’s possible that sleep plays a role in strengthening the immune system and its response to infection,” says Dr. Rachel Darken, the sleep medicine fellowship director in the Department of Neurology at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis. “That could be part of the reason why sleep has been preserved in our evolutionary development.”

These days, many people who are used to going to work and living active lives are spending more time at home, and that has consequences. Darken says that scientists think there is a “bi-directional relationship” between insomnia and anxiety.

“Anxiety influences sleep and sleep deprivation influences anxiety — they feed on each other.”

“Anxiety influences sleep and sleep deprivation influences anxiety — they feed on each other,” she says. And, “even if you’re not particularly anxious about the new coronavirus, the disruption in your routine can lead to difficulty sleeping,” Darken adds.

More bad news for insomniacs: Losing sleep can lead to a level of immune dysregulation, “a kind of pre-inflammatory situation,” Darken says. “That can put the body in a bad state and keep it from responding appropriately to infection or make you more prone to chronic diseases. That’s not good for you.”

An Expert’s Tips on How to Sleep Better

What can you do about insomnia?

First, establish a routine, even if there is no reason to get up or go to bed at your usual time each day. “It’s important to maintain consistency,” Darken notes. “That may decrease some anxiety and help you sleep better.”

She also recommends these standard “sleep hygiene” practices:

• Spend time in the sunlight or use a lightbox (of 5,000 lux or higher) each day
• Exercise early in the day
• Reserve your bedroom for sleep
• Spend time winding down before bedtime
• Put clocks out of sight once you’re tucked in

At the end of your day, Darken suggests, keep the lights dim and avoid anything that involves the outside world. That means social media, news reports and emails. Read a book, she says, take a relaxing bath or listen to music you enjoy or a soothing podcast.

Set Aside a ‘Worry Hour’

Leslie Davenport agrees. A licensed integrative psychotherapist based in Tacoma, Wash., Davenport recommends setting aside a “worry hour” each day to address anxieties.

“That helps us develop a strength, just as you would strengthen a muscle, over our mental habits,” she says. “Designate a specific time to let yourself be with your fears, a time when you can write, think or talk with a friend. That allows you to honor your feelings and give them an outlet, and it also gives you more influence over your feelings.”

If your mind is reluctant to restrict gloomy thoughts to just an hour each day, Davenport cautions, you’re not likely to get a good night’s sleep even if you follow the recommended sleep hygiene steps.

She recommends staying attuned throughout the day to when your mind starts to race and then “reeling yourself back” to the present moment.

Davenport offers this metaphor: “If you’re driving 60 miles per hour all day, you don’t keep going at that speed as you pull into your garage,” she says. “Whenever you catch yourself making up a doom story about the future, slow down. Try to let go of projecting, and just be in the moment.”

That can be a challenge, especially because we’re all subject to the “negativity bias,” Davenport says. “Research shows our brains are more tuned in to bad news than good news. And a negative event is amplified five times over a positive one in terms of how our brains or bodies react. That’s another reason why being intentional at this time is so important, so we can get our thoughts and feelings back to a neutral place.”

Try Relaxation Exercises Just Before Bed

A master yoga teacher based in Oakland, Calif., Margi Young teaches classes, trains yoga teachers and leads retreats all over the world. But sometimes, when she slides under the covers at night, her fears for the future rise up.

“Just as we lie down, ready for sleep, sometimes our minds wake up and race toward terrifying thoughts,” Young says. “It’s so easy to put ourselves in a contorted posture and start catastrophizing.”

Young knows how to call a halt to that and her tips are useful for anyone, whether or not you’ve ever practiced yoga. “To calm anxiety and avoid insomnia,” Young says, “I recommend a quieting of the body and the mind through a yoga pose called “shavasana,” which brings mindful relaxation.”

You can do the pose on the floor or in your bed. “With a pillow under your head, lie on your back in a neutral position, with your arms resting slightly away from your body and your legs a little apart,” Young says. “Then scan your body, noticing places that feel tense. Let that tension release until you feel your body softening, melting into the bed or the floor.”

Next, Young recommends, pay attention to your breathing. “This is science; breathing mindfully helps calm your nervous system and helps slow your heart rate and your metabolism,” she says. “Inhale deeply to a count of four, breathing all the way to your fingertips and to the tips of your toes. Then exhale to a count of six. Do this six times, and you should feel yourself sinking into sleep.”

Some people fall asleep easily enough, but awaken long before morning. Others can’t get back to sleep after getting up at night to use the bathroom. “That’s when I always want to think terrifying thoughts, but I make myself breathe with the longer exhale again,” Young says. “Without fail, I put myself back to sleep.”

Rest well!

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Article by Sherrie Bradley, RN,BSN, Heckmann Assisted Living Manager

Depending on where you are located and what community you and your family decide is best for you, could mean different levels of care for you. While some communities are large and stand-alone, they may be able to offer much deeper levels of care and price may range according to that care and staffing. Here at Heckmann Assisted Living, we are smaller and a part of a very large campus where different levels of care needs are met by where you live. Some are able to live in our independent community, Rainbow Retirement, and have their own outside help to come in daily or weekly. Some may even be able to stay home with the help provided by our Sunset Companion Services department. Then others, who are not quite in need of daily medical care or a memory care unit, will find themselves at home here in our Heckmann Residence Assisted Living.

We strive to provide person-centered care based on Christian values that are focused on maintaining independence in as many areas as possible, while having someone here day and night to assist them. We strive to promote continued learning and physical, mental, and spiritual growth by offering different types of scheduled activities, outings, and pastoral services all while allowing our residents to maintain their privacy and independence.

A move to assisted living does not mean you have to give up everything. Many find that the things they end up giving up, results in them being able to do more things they enjoy rather than maintaining a home and all that entails. As a resident here, you are able to bring your own furniture, personal effects and decorate your apartment as your new home. This helps to promote your dignity, privacy, choice and continued independence.

We assist by serving dining room style meals three times daily, which is served hot and comes from our campus kitchen where it is prepared fresh daily. You are able to choose your meal the evening before by making your personal selections from the menu provided by Dietary. There is always an open snack bar with coffee, ice, water and other items.

Besides meals, we handle most resident’s medications which helps you to stay on a schedule and maintain health and well-being. Some find that just being here and taking their medications on schedule and getting those fresh, hot prepared meals daily makes a world of difference in how they feel physically as well as mentally and emotionally.

We also provide weekly laundry and linen change services. This seems to be a big one for most of our residents. Along with this, there is weekly apartment cleaning and daily trash services. No more stress over cleaning, taking out the trash, changing the bed linens or working on laundry. I could be happy with all of that myself! With all of this taken care of for you, that leaves more time for you to enjoy family, friends, activities, outings, bible studies, worship services and many other things that we tend to put off to do all of our chores at home!

Our residents are free to come and go and we promote being independent and participating in events in the outside community as well as our own. We highly encourage family and friends to continue to come and visit as you wish, stay and have a meal in our dining room, participate in activities, and bring new ideas to us that their loved one enjoys as others may enjoy as well.

We understand that making a move like this, whether it’s from home/independent living to assisted living or to nursing home, is huge for you and your family. Our goal is to help this move and transition be as smooth as possible and a positive experience to the best of our ability. I have mentioned many positives but a huge positive is the ability to make new friends with your neighbors who will be here to help you as well! They were once new to the community and most are very ready and willing to get to know you and help you to be happy here! No more eating alone or just not eating because you don’t want to make a meal for one! Meal times and activities are the best times to get to know others.

During the holidays, we try our best to make things festive, homelike, and family friendly here at College Hill Assisted Living – Heckmann Residence. We know holidays can be a very difficult time for some. We highly encourage visitors, activity participation, and participation in outside community events as each is able, to help the holidays remain a positive enjoyable time for all of our residents and staff alike. We do our best to help our community to reflect an expression of faith and God’s love every day.

We are thankful daily for our community members, staff members, volunteers, and family and friends who strive to make Heckmann a great place to live!

Best Wishes for a Safe and Happy New Year from All of us here at Heckmann Residence.

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The Mayo Clinic will let you know right quick that medicine is quite literally going to the dogs—and for good reason! Animal-assisted therapies continue to gain traction as researchers learn that recovery is faster and more fun in the presence of animals. Retirement communities have grown to rely on this non-pharmacological approach for treating an increasing number of health conditions to include anxiety, depression, cancer and heart disease.

The retirement communities of today are full of residents that grew up on a farm. What better way to make a place feel like home than to bring pets into residences? On any given day, you can find several furry (or feathered) friends visiting residents throughout Lutheran Sunset Ministries.

Rainbow Retirement Community, our independent living neighborhood, houses a number of pets living alongside their owners. After all, they’re part of the family. Heckmann Assisted Living houses Shelly, the shepherd mix. Shelly is relatively new and has been a big hit! And it’s safe to say that with very little persuasion, Sunset Home has bought completely in to the idea of pet therapy. Juliette and Fowler, the labradoodles, can be found making their rounds throughout the different neighborhoods on most days. The Sales Family Hope Center, Sunset’s secured neighborhood, has a live-in dog named Bruno. He’s a big ol’ black and brown teddy bear. Additionally, a finch aviary and a large fish aquarium provide visual stimuli in the Hope Center. On most days, we are also joined by two employee-owned Yorkshire Terriers (Diva and Paublo) to ensure additional smiles are created for the day. Each year during the spring or fall, Sunset Home welcomes day-old baby chicks to live with us for a few weeks. Without fail, the topics for those few weeks include, “Do you think they’re big enough to fry yet?,” and, “I think this one and this one are roosters, but I’m pretty sure those 3 over there are hens.” Resident-led stories follow about the kinds of chickens the different families raised over the years. Sitting back and watching, one can literally see blood pressures drop and frowns turn to smiles as residents interact with the animals. There’s something about running your fingers through a dog’s coat when you’re keyed up and stressed out that seems to send a sense of calmness over a person.

I’ll let you in on a little secret— soon, Sunset Home will be adding some unique, feathered friends to the mix for a little while. Our plans are to start rotating some variety throughout the neighborhoods for folks to enjoy.

The field of medicine in evolving rapidly—practitioners and operators are constantly looking for alternative treatment options. While medication is inevitable in some circumstances, the health care community is learning that more holistic approaches, such as pet therapy, carry far fewer negative side effects. We are witnessing firsthand the positive impact animals are having on so many lives at Lutheran Sunset Ministries.

Stop by for a visit—we’ll let Juliette and Fowler show you which rooms have the best snacks.

Article by Sunset Home Administrator Lance Allen, a program of Lutheran Sunset Ministries.

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Credit: Envato

For grandparents, respecting boundaries is key if relationships with parents are poor.

Being a grandparent often means passing along traditions, making memories and building family bonds. But this isn’t the reality for many families, especially those affected by estrangement.

It’s difficult to say exactly how many parents are estranged from their adult children, but experts agree that when grandchildren are involved, the situation grows even more complex.

“It’s far more common than most people realize,” said Tina Gilbertson, a Denver-based psychotherapist and author of Guide for Parents of Estranged Adult Children.

“While it’s hard knowing your grandchildren are growing up without knowing you, the best use of your time is to strengthen your bond with their parents,” Gilbertson said. “Being the older person, you have a lot of power to influence the tone of that relationship. But you may need to be strategic, rather than emotional, about mending fences.”

Respecting rules and boundaries “creates goodwill between the parents and grandparents.”

But if you can’t repair the relationship with their parents, it still may be possible to build and maintain relationships with your grandchild, despite the estrangement. Experts say it will just take time, emotional intelligence, respecting boundaries and setting realistic expectations.

Keep Emotions and Expectations in Check

For a grandparent-grandchild relationship to survive an estrangement, everyone involved must display emotional intelligence, which refers to how we recognize and handle our own emotions and respond to others’ emotions, said Carla Manly, a clinical psychologist in Sonoma County, Calif., and author of Aging Joyfully.

Emotional intelligence means putting differences aside, agreeing to disagree and swallowing pride for the benefit of the child and the grandchild-grandparent relationship.

Manly acknowledges that emotional intelligence isn’t always easy, saying, “It takes quite a lot of inner strength to get there.”

Gilbertson urges grandparents to be “introspective” and have a “growth mindset” to build authentic relationships with grandchildren through estrangement — and to avoid placing too many expectations on the situation.

“Expecting your child to accept you based solely on your status as their children’s grandparent doesn’t usually work,” she said. “As long as your emotions are clouding your behavior, you may not be as strategic as you need to be.”

Letting emotions get in the way could lead to missed opportunities to see the grandchildren, Gilbertson said.

It’s Up to Parents to Allow the Relationship

Grandparents will likely need to approach the child’s parents about building or maintaining the grandchild relationship. Manly said parents ultimately decide what that relationship will be like.

However, in families with a history of abuse, drug or alcohol addiction, or other reasons for a parent to worry that the child would be in danger when around the grandparent, a relationship probably isn’t possible, she said.

Karen Forsthoff, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Francisco, said any grandchild interaction surrounded by estrangement should be child-led and focused on “developmentally appropriate” activities, which vary depending on the child and family situation.

“Keep it safe; keep it simple,” Forsthoff said. “And don’t expect too much in regard to affection being shown, especially depending on the age and time limit when you’re going to be able to see that child.”

Age-Appropriate Suggestions for Estranged Families

The age of the child will dictate how to build the relationship:

Children under 8. For babies, toddlers and the youngest children, grandparent interaction will likely occur with the parents around. Manly suggests grandparents avoid commenting on a grandchild’s sleep or eating patterns, or anything that seems to question the parenting. Focus, instead, on generalities, like a child’s toys or outfit. Grandparents could try to take the child, once a little older, to the park on a set schedule, for example, to build familiarity.

9- to 13-year-olds. The older a child gets, the less receptive the child may be to building a relationship with a grandparent, especially if a foundation wasn’t set early on, Manly said. In this age group, grandparents could attend the child’s sports events or school activities, when possible, and try to build a friendship by going out together to get ice cream afterwards, for example.

Teenagers. Grandparents shouldn’t try to force relationships with teenage grandkids, Manly said. Simply be present, take an interest in the teen’s interests and attend activities when the child is participating.

General Guidelines for Grandparents in Estranged Families

Don’t buy the child’s affections. At any age, Manly warns against indulging the grandchildren too much by buying them things or spoiling them in other ways that go against their parents’ rules. This may heighten tensions with the parents and develop inauthentic relationships.

Never bad-mouth the parents. As kids get older, they will likely sense the estranged relationship between their parents and grandparents. Gilbertson stresses that grandparents should never talk badly of the grandkid’s parents, complain about the relationship or ask the child to be a go-between.

But Forsthoff urges grandparents and parents to agree on how to discuss the estranged relationship in case the child asks questions. The explanation should be truthful and age-appropriate — for example, everyone makes mistakes sometimes and people don’t get along all the time.

Communicate in any way possible. Forsthoff suggests grandparents stay in contact with grandchildren however they can, whether by text, phone calls, in person or by writing letters. If communication is completely cut off, she urges grandparents to write letters to their grandchildren and save them to deliver once the grandchild grows up.

Keep interactions positive. Manly encourages positivity in all interactions with grandchildren and their parents, even when hurt feelings exist. That means avoiding judgmental, sarcastic or passive-aggressive comments or actions.

Respecting Boundaries Can Make or Break Relationships

Since parents dictate how grandparent-grandchild relationships exist, it’s up to grandparents to respect any boundaries the parents set, such as bringing the child home on time, allowing or not allowing certain foods or talking about sensitive subjects.

A successful relationship depends on honoring boundaries, and not doing so can worsen the already estranged relationship and jeopardize access to the grandchildren, Manly said.

Grandparents may perceive parent’s rules as unfair or frustrating, Forsthoff said, but boundaries serve as an important reality check when navigating their family’s estrangement situation.

“Really understand what it is to have compassion for yourself and to accept the reality of the situation as it is, not as we wish it would be or hoped it would be, but to really sit with that,” she said.

Respecting rules and boundaries “creates goodwill between the parents and grandparents,” Gilbertson said, and sometimes, grandparents have to do whatever it takes to bond with the grandchildren.

“That’s unfortunate for grandparents,” she said. “I have sympathy for grandparents in this situation, and it’s a lot more common than people realize. If this is you, please know that you’re not alone, and reach out for support wherever you can find it.”

Erica Sweeney is a freelance journalist who has written for The New York Times, HuffPost, Teen Vogue, Parade.com and more.

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